There are not words to explain the pain..

There she was. This precious little baby snuggled safely in my body. Bouncing freely and so happy to have a Mommy to care for her. But my body failed me. I was so excited, as was Shawn, to be having another little baby. Our third. The last little one to complete our family. 

Now my baby is in heaven. She was supposed to be here on Earth, safely in my arms on March 11th 2013. I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. I started having some pain, and bleeding and went to the ER hoping to be told "quit worrying, everything is fine." Instead I heard the worst nightmare words I could have ever heard. Ectopic pregnancy. My heart sunk beneath the floor. I felt like I could have handled miscarriage, but not ectopic. I even had a dream it was ectopic. I couldn't believe that it was coming true. Less than 24 hours later I was back in the ER with more bleeding, and more pain. That night I ended up in surgery. I lost my left tube. Blood was pooling behind my uterus from a bleeding cyst in my ovary. But worst of all, I lost my baby. 

My emotions are all over the place. One minute I will be fine, and the next I will be crying. I want to just scream why?! WHY ME?! But then something answers inside of me..."Why not me?" I am just another human. There is nothing special about me. God has created me just as equal as the next person. So why not me? 

It has been 4 days since my surgery and it still hurts. Though, I'm not sure what hurts more. The physical or mental pain. I know I was ONLY 7 weeks, but a loss is still a loss. It hurts your heart. To this day, it is the worst mental pain I have had to endure. 

I want to try again for another baby so badly, but I am so scared of it happening again.

As far as I am concerned, it was a little girl and her name is Vannah Lynn

Just a front of armor...

I should be happy this time of year. This time of year is like Christmas to me. First Shawn's birthday, then Kori's, mine, Mother's Day and Kaleb's birthday and Father's Day. This time of year is so busy for me. Something always keeps me down though..and that something is those last two poison words previously mentioned...."Father's Day."

Father's Day is a wonderful day for my children, and every other child out there that has a great Dad. What about those who don't though? What about those who have just been turned away by multiple "dads?" Especially ones you thought you could count on...ones you thought would always be there for you no matter what.

My first dad, my biological dad, is just..well..he has some problems in his life. Alcoholism and a few other I am choosing not to mention on here. I blame him, but I don't. My Mom got custody of me in 5th grade and he chose he no longer wanted to see me anymore..so its been a long time..I've had time to get over that. What really gets me is my stepdad. I thought that he was better than my real dad. I thought he paid attention to me..I thought he loved me...I thought that even if something happened to my mom and him, which did, that he would still always be there for me b/c he had been there for so long. BOY, was I wrong.

But then, the more that I DO think about it....he really wasn't even a "dad" to begin with. I had to practically BEG for just a simple "good job" from a report card, he never rode bikes with me, he never sat down and had a conversation from me unless he was looking to get information from me. He never helped me with my homework, he never went sledding with me, never went for a walk with me, barely ever even celebrated a birthday with me.

Just a month before he filed for divorce from my mother he was on the phone with me and told me that he would always be there for me, and that he would always love me as "one of his own." Then that was the last time I ever talked to him.....So I ask myself, "Why am I so upset about losing him?"

Then I realize, I'm not upset about losing HIM. I just can't understand how someone can be like that. He didn't just turn me down, and turn me away, he did his grandchild too. Kori. What did she do to deserve that? THEN I remember once again..what did he ever do with her that she is missing out on now? NOTHING. So WHY am I so upset, again!? It is never ending. I could go on..and on..and on..about this.

My eyes and heart are open..

Title pretty much says it all. FINALLY, I see what the fuss is all about. I want to follow in Jesus' footsteps as closely as I can. I want to glorify God. I am human, and I do sin. But that is what the Cross is for. Jesus gave his life for me. He paid for my sins with the blood that he shed on the Cross. What better man is there? I used to claim to be Christian, and to know what the fuss was about..but I didn't feel it in my heart. Now I do. My heart is no longer made of steel. It is softened, and open. Open to my savior, Jesus Christ, and the Almighty God.

I am not perfect in my ways yet. I still have a ton to learn. I still have lots of the bible to read. I am there though. God has ahold of me and I am not going to let him go.

I have never felt more at ease, and peaceful, even with all of the chaos and stress that surrounds my life.

When it rains it pours..

A hepatitis shot
Pink eye medicine
Yeast infection cream
Amoxicillin for an ear infection
Flouride vitamins 2x

These are the things that I ended up getting at my children's "well check" which was apparently not so well! Kori is 39 inches and 34 lbs, Kaleb is 27.5 inches and 18 lb 3 oz, and they are both up to par on everything they need to be.

I knew that Kaleb had pink eye. His eye began to get goopy the day before and when he woke up yesterday morning it was crusty and red. I however didn't know that I would have to fight with my daughter to get her arm out of her sleeve and hold her hands while they have her a shot. I also had no idea that my son had an ear infection...he showed no signs of an ear infection.  I suspected that Kaleb's yeast infection was coming back...I just wasn't sure what it was exactly. So I started using regular diaper rash cream. Anyway, this isn't even the "icing on the cake" to my day.

Kaleb did not want to nap all day yesterday. Finally for the third time I laid him down for a nap and decided I would just let him fuss for a few minutes. Well his fussing got quiet and then all the sudden he started wailing. Shawn runs upstairs and he has blood all over his mouth, inside his mouth, on his shirt and on his sheet. I'm not exactly sure what happened..I can only guess that somehow he fell and he managed to split the piece of skin that connects your top lip to your gums. I gave him some ibuprofen and I laid him down with me and watched a movie while he took a nap. He went to sleep almost immediately and slept for twelve hours!! At first I got kind of worried, and thought maybe he got too much ibuprofen?? (I always worry even if the medicine is measured out perfectly) Then I decided..my kid NEVER sleeps like this so it is time to take advantage!

Now this morning, I expected for him to have a fat lip and a goopy eye but he has neither. :) I am really just hoping that today goes a little better than yesterday.

its funny how things can happen..

Its been some time since I have wrote anything....I think its because I finally got my medicine. :-/ I hate being on Celexa. I feel like..my brain is broke or something. Like I HAVE to have medicine to fix my emotions, my thinking, my thoughts, my feelings..its just not right. Why can't we all just be..normal?

You know, its funny how things can change you. Yesterday, I read that someone, a pregnant woman, passed away in a car accident. I had only spoken to her a couple times, not directly, just through a message. Although I didn't know her, I just cried. She had a daughter that was only a month older than Kori. So I got to thinking about death somewhat.

Everyone is scared of death..but why? Once you are gone, you are gone. Its not like you are gone, and then you are sitting there thinking like, "Wow, I shouldn't have done that...look where it got me?" Its not like you are going to be sad that you are gone..because you are just...GONE. No..what made my cry was thinking, "What if that was me? What would my family be going through?" All I could think about is Kori. My little Kori. She is so attached to me. She loves me so much, and if I am gone for just an hour she cries and tells me that she missed me. What if I was gone for life? Just thinking of her throwing fits, crying herself to sleep, asking when is Mommy coming home. Every time she scraps her knee, or needs some encouragement in an activity that she is doing..Mommy wouldn't be there. I am not scared of death itself, when it is time, it IS time. Nothing is going to prepare you for what is to come..what I would be scared of..is all of the sorrow and pain that my children and husband would go through. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to be ripped from there lives.

So now, here I sit, once again, tearing up in thought of the family that was ripped to shreds. Life is too short...and most of the time it isn't fair. BUT take what you get, and make the best of it. Don't gripe, don't complain about how things don't go your way, don't spend your days sleeping in or throughout the day. You never know when something is going to happen and you are going to be taken from this Earth. Always hug your kids and tell you that you love them, constantly praise them, encourage them, kiss them, play with them. You never know when it will be the last kiss, the last hug, the last "Good job honey!", the last I love you, the last time you gaze into their eyes. It won't be that important to you in the end because you aren't here to remember it...but to them it means EVERYTHING.

Lord grant me the strength and serenity that I need..

Why my Child? Where have I gone wrong? Are the things that run through me mind almost on a daily basis. It is so hard to sit back, and see that my child is the bad one, the one causing trouble, out of all the other children. What have I done to make my child the one that stands out, in a bad way, amongst a group of children? When I dreamed of having children I, of course, I imagine like any other Mother dreamed of having a cute little girl that would let me dress her up, do her hair for her all pretty, and that she would be one of the good girls that listened. I learned from my mistakes and I could teach a little girl to be better than I was. However, my little girl is the polar opposite. She hates baths, she doesn't like pretty clothes, she desparetly despises her hair to be pretty and be anything but a huge rats nest of a mess. She is the one that is defiant to me in public, for everyone to see. She is the one that runs away from me and doesn't want me to hold her hand as we walk. So I ask myself, "Why my child? Where have I gone wrong?"


Now this all stems from Church today. Before the kids get to go to Children's Church they have to sit with their parents, quietly, for about 20 minutes while the Pastor speaks, testimonies are given, and we sing. All the little boys and girls were sitting quietly with their parents listening, some singing, some sitting quietly and coloring. Did mine? Oh no. She was the one that wanted to throw a fit, who wanted to lay down on the floor under the pews, crawl, lay on the pews, kick her shoes off, talk loudly. So I have to take her to the nursery and see if she will be good. As I'm leaving the nursery she begins throwing another fit saying that she "Didn't want to ANYTHING!" So I took her to the bathroom and put her in the corner. And as my daughter is throwing her fit in public, I too begin to have a mini meltdown and just prayed that no one would walk into the bathroom. As I'm crying my daughter looks at me and turns her head...as if my being upset did not phase her one bit. Once she finally decided to be good and I was able to pull myself together we went back to the sanctuary and everything was okay from there.

Why does she continue to test me like this? Why can't I have that seemingly perfect child that every other Mother at Church has? Is it because I'm young? Am I too soft with her? Do I not give her enough attention or do I pamper her too much?

As parents, I know that we do learn as we go and experience trial and error. Although, by four years old I would think that I would have learned something about how to handle these outbursts that she continues to have.

So my prayer today..
Dear God, please grant me the strength to be humble at heart, to learn to forgive and to let go, to be patient and not quick to anger, to be more faithful in you and the path you have laid for me. Lord be with me as I am constantly struggling to find peace with myself and with those around me. You are my rock, my strength and my light and I ask dear Lord for you to guide me always. Also Lord please allow me to find the confidence in myself that I know you have in me dear Father. Please keep my family safe and grant us all peace and happiness dear Lord. Amen!

Where to start....

I am not very good at starting these things..that is probably why I have yet to start one. Well, I have gone to start one many many times, but never really followed through with it. I feel like this is something that I need whether I have people that read my blogs or not. Its not really about who reads and who doesn't, to me it is about being able to just get everything off of my chest and..I don't know..lighten my emotional load. I usually seem to hold everything in until I feel like I can't hold anything in anymore and just explode. Kinda like a balloon. LOL. There is only so much air that a balloon can hold before it pops. That is kinda how I am. Once I just feel like I have held everything in for so long, then just the most simple, yet annoying, subtle little thing can just set me off. Then no one can seem to understand that it was not just THAT little thing that set me off, it was a combination of a hundred things that have just been stirring inside of me. That is why this is a good thing for me. It is a way to let me just get everything out, and keep it out, and not give it a chance to build up.

The thing that I am struggling with the most lately is my post-partum depression (ppd) and possibly being bipolar. I hate admitting it, but I think that maybe it is finally time to consider it. I have not been on my Celexa now for over a week and I am starting to be able to tell as the medicine filters out of my system. The best way to describe how I have been feeling is by imagining seeing one's heartbeat on a screen. It goes up, down, up, down..and that is how I feel all day long. When I have my medicine, and I am consistently taking it, its like I flat line, I feel stable. Without it, I can laugh, cry, be happy, and angry all at the same time. I can feel love and hatred. I can want to pull someone close to me, and push them away at the same time. How is that even possible? To want something so badly, but feel repulsed by it at the same time?? And I don't necessarily mean a person, or an animal...but anything in general. I just want to feel like a normal person, and not feel like I am alone in a home where I am surrounded by people I love, and that love me. I am starting to get to the point where I can look in someone's eyes and feel like I see nothing but darkness...even as I can tell that they are staring at me with the most love anyone can feel. It is bittersweet. I want a life full of light, and not this darkness that seems to be lingering with me.