Just a front of armor...

I should be happy this time of year. This time of year is like Christmas to me. First Shawn's birthday, then Kori's, mine, Mother's Day and Kaleb's birthday and Father's Day. This time of year is so busy for me. Something always keeps me down though..and that something is those last two poison words previously mentioned...."Father's Day."

Father's Day is a wonderful day for my children, and every other child out there that has a great Dad. What about those who don't though? What about those who have just been turned away by multiple "dads?" Especially ones you thought you could count on...ones you thought would always be there for you no matter what.

My first dad, my biological dad, is just..well..he has some problems in his life. Alcoholism and a few other I am choosing not to mention on here. I blame him, but I don't. My Mom got custody of me in 5th grade and he chose he no longer wanted to see me anymore..so its been a long time..I've had time to get over that. What really gets me is my stepdad. I thought that he was better than my real dad. I thought he paid attention to me..I thought he loved me...I thought that even if something happened to my mom and him, which did, that he would still always be there for me b/c he had been there for so long. BOY, was I wrong.

But then, the more that I DO think about it....he really wasn't even a "dad" to begin with. I had to practically BEG for just a simple "good job" from a report card, he never rode bikes with me, he never sat down and had a conversation from me unless he was looking to get information from me. He never helped me with my homework, he never went sledding with me, never went for a walk with me, barely ever even celebrated a birthday with me.

Just a month before he filed for divorce from my mother he was on the phone with me and told me that he would always be there for me, and that he would always love me as "one of his own." Then that was the last time I ever talked to him.....So I ask myself, "Why am I so upset about losing him?"

Then I realize, I'm not upset about losing HIM. I just can't understand how someone can be like that. He didn't just turn me down, and turn me away, he did his grandchild too. Kori. What did she do to deserve that? THEN I remember once again..what did he ever do with her that she is missing out on now? NOTHING. So WHY am I so upset, again!? It is never ending. I could go on..and on..and on..about this.