I am not very good at starting these things..that is probably why I have yet to start one. Well, I have gone to start one many many times, but never really followed through with it. I feel like this is something that I need whether I have people that read my blogs or not. Its not really about who reads and who doesn't, to me it is about being able to just get everything off of my chest and..I don't know..lighten my emotional load. I usually seem to hold everything in until I feel like I can't hold anything in anymore and just explode. Kinda like a balloon. LOL. There is only so much air that a balloon can hold before it pops. That is kinda how I am. Once I just feel like I have held everything in for so long, then just the most simple, yet annoying, subtle little thing can just set me off. Then no one can seem to understand that it was not just THAT little thing that set me off, it was a combination of a hundred things that have just been stirring inside of me. That is why this is a good thing for me. It is a way to let me just get everything out, and keep it out, and not give it a chance to build up.
The thing that I am struggling with the most lately is my post-partum depression (ppd) and possibly being bipolar. I hate admitting it, but I think that maybe it is finally time to consider it. I have not been on my Celexa now for over a week and I am starting to be able to tell as the medicine filters out of my system. The best way to describe how I have been feeling is by imagining seeing one's heartbeat on a screen. It goes up, down, up, down..and that is how I feel all day long. When I have my medicine, and I am consistently taking it, its like I flat line, I feel stable. Without it, I can laugh, cry, be happy, and angry all at the same time. I can feel love and hatred. I can want to pull someone close to me, and push them away at the same time. How is that even possible? To want something so badly, but feel repulsed by it at the same time?? And I don't necessarily mean a person, or an animal...but anything in general. I just want to feel like a normal person, and not feel like I am alone in a home where I am surrounded by people I love, and that love me. I am starting to get to the point where I can look in someone's eyes and feel like I see nothing but darkness...even as I can tell that they are staring at me with the most love anyone can feel. It is bittersweet. I want a life full of light, and not this darkness that seems to be lingering with me.
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